Big Brother 13; Episode 2: Holy Cow, What a Mess

by Guest Blogger EllaMentry1

The HGs are comfortably settled into the house. Ok that’s a lie right off the bat. The newbies, aka the Inmate Eight are scrambling to keep their positions. No doubt deals will be made and broken. The Golden Key will play a part in strategy. Adam is “Adam”sent to grab that key, Dom be damned. Brendon believes floaters will benefit from the new spin. Dani and Evel Dick make an alliance to stay alive, but Dani isn’t pleased. Kind of the devil you know vs. the devil you don’t.

Keith and Porsche have a discussion where Keith nods in false agreement. Seems his Keith’s Angels strategy is dead from moment one. Jeff discusses his concerns with Jordan, the human “huh?’ and she responds with a fart heard round the world. Lawon, Dom and Keith strike a bargain to get people on their side in order to oust the oldies. Right…. Like THAT’S gonna work.

HOH winner Rachel saunters in and screeches…”Who wants to see my HOH roooooom?” Of course everyone jumps at the chance. They aren’t so excited for Rachel, but more interested in seeing the room itself. “Mine, mine, mine.” (compliments of the seagulls from Madagascar the cartoon movie.)

Evel Dick is ready to rock and roll over the newbies. Dani in the DR says, I don’t like Dad, but this is about winning. I’ll deal with it. This father/daughter relationship is fodder for every college psych major.

Meanwhile, the newbs are freaking out as to how to get rid of the old folk’s home group. Lawon doesn’t agree with Porsche’s strategy, to ally themselves with the vets, but smiles his way through the conversation. Rot roh….. Dom is still convinced he can run the newbies with a stick with me kid, you’ll go far conversation.

Back at the HOH room, Rachel gets all kinds of kiss butt, particularly from Shelly. She admits she’s gonna be the good HG with a PICK ME, PICK ME type attitude. Wow, that’s new.

Dick, Dani, and Brenchel engage in a powwow. Let’s string the newbs along. Sounds like a solid plan. Who’s dumb enough to go against the vets? The strategy meeting is adjourned.

After the others depart, Brenchel get into the question of wanting/needing Botox. Rachel is concerned with the overflowing beauty in the house. Has Cassi had a nose job? Rachel is in her 20’s and falling into the Orange County trap. No, no…. Don’t do it. Think woman think. GET A GRIP!

Dom lays it on the line for Cassi. It’s a numbers game. He can and will run this house. Statistics can be an aphrodisiac and Cassi looks like she’s falling for it. She’s obviously never taken a psych stat class. They bring Keith and Lawon into the convo and Dom pats himself on the back for concocting such a grand scheme. The four agree if any of their duos end up on the block, they’ll all drop kick their partners. Dr. Dominos is in the house.

What they didn’t count on was Dick schmoozing Porsche. He might figure this is a shoe in, but this Porsche isn’t a Volkswagen in sheep’s clothing. Oh shit…. Yes, she is. This woman is not quite up to snuff when it comes to strategizing,. Porsche bolts back to her good buddy/partner Keith and spills the conversation. Keith sees this a major flaw in Porsche’s game plan and runs like a school kid to the other newbs. Her admonition is well received. Thanks babe. Once the newbs catch wind, it’s a let’s continue to be nice to her. Don’t let on. Blah blah blah, but now Porsche has a target on her back. Doh!

The Have Not competition begins with Rachel arriving in a moo moo (cow suit) to announce the goings on. Three teams gather in their own Versace spot outfits to slosh around in milk, then run to their milkmen partners to have their teammates squeeze/crush them. Is it me or are there constant sexual overtones to this season? The team that gets six jugs of milk wins. Adam calls the contest “insane.” I call it typical BB dumb. What’s not to udderly love? Oh come on, you knew there’d be a bad teat joke in here somewhere. Team Adam , Dom, Keith and Porsche, vs. Kalia, Cassi, Lawon, Shelly and Dick, Dani, Jeff and Jordan milk every bit of 15 fame minutes they can. Welcome to “Space Milk Mountain.” I could do a blow by blow here, but trust me, if you didn’t see it, you didn’t miss a thing.

Ok, so the Blue Cow team wins. This means Dick, Dani, Jeff and Jordan will not be eating slop this week. The losers are Kalia, Cassi, Lawon and Shelly. Sucks to be you. Enjoy your dinner. The Have Not room looks very much like a padded cell, minus Hannibal Lecter. The lights are bright and cannot be turned off. Nice touch BB.

Dick chooses Adam to add to their support numbers. The oldies agree and Dick approaches the soft-spoken metal head. Hey dude, wanna join our team? We have great bacon tee shirts and everything! But Adam is suspicious. He comes into the HOH room and is given an offer he’s told he can’t refuse. You do for us and we’ll do for you. Promises, promises. Adam sees through Dick’s puppet mastery, says thanks for the offer and skedaddles.

Shelly shares a love fest moment with Jordan and Jeff, explaining how her Marine husband gave up everything to be a stay at home dad to their daughter. Not a tear shedding moment, but Shelly seems sincere.

Back in the HOH room, Jordan, Rachel and Dick discuss the pros and cons of the elimination nominees. Rachel is conflicted as to whether she should go the get rid of a player vs. a hand a player the golden key route. Dick assures them both that Porsche is in his back pocket. She’s little, so you just can’t see her tucked in there.

We head toward the nomination ceremony and Rachel is determined to avoid last season’s errors. She is all about game play this time around, no more emotionally charged voting. The HGs gather at the kitchen table and two by two, breathe a sigh of relief. True to Rachel’s word, Dani and Dick are safe, as are Jordan and Jeff. In the end, it’s Keith and Porsche on the block. Rachel wants to get rid of the horn dog preacher and hand the golden ticket to Porsche as a reward.

How will this play out? We’ll all find out together on Wednesday. Any guesses?

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