Big Brother 13 Episode 1: Say Whaaat?

by Guest Blogger EllaMentry

And away we go Big Brother fanatics! With 52 cameras, 55 microphones and $500K at stake, the summer fun sits squarely at CBS studios in Studio City, CA, complete with a fish tank and 14 contestants, some old, some new. So let’s meet them shall we?

Dominic aka Speed Racer, (such a toon) is a stay at home college student living with Mom in San Mateo, CA. He’s a virgin and plans to stay that way until he marries. Maybe he’s pre-med and has a genuine respect for STDs.

Cassi, of Nashville, TN, has been modeling since she was 10 years old. An obligatory lover of fishing, country music (guess western is out), and guzzling beer.

Lawon, is a legal file clerk from Inglewood CA. Mr. self proclaimed irresistible. Makes fashion faux pas statements with pride. He also is the king of nicknames. Handing them out, that is.

Keith, a human resource manager from Bolingbrook IL, splits his time as a youth minister, a possible code phrase for “doesn’t have divinity credentials,“ and chasing tail. A true man of the rubber cloth.

Shelly from Prairieville, LA, is a VP of business development for an outdoorsy type company. “Look like a lady, act like a man and work like a dog.” She’s so quotable.

Adam, a music inventory manager from Hoboken, NJ, mixes heavy metal with the defunct TV show 90210. Makes sense, right? He’s a diverse kind of guy. He also embraces his feminine side. Just watch him extend his pinky as he sips on an apple martini. Although I could swear I’ve seen him in a biker bar in Patterson.

Kalia, of Los Angeles CA is the real life Carrie from Sex and the City. Honest, no lie. She said so. This gifted gabby writer has a relationship blog. She’d contribute to a syndicated newspaper column, but wouldn’t be caught dead in something so last season.

Porsche from Miami Beach, FL is a VIP cocktail waitress. Can we surmise the difference between her and a non VIP is $.25 more an hour in her paycheck? With a name like that, she certainly can’t be sporting a Denny’s apron. She’s the hottest chick everywhere she goes. It’s amazing she knows this. Such confidence is endearing. Her laugh reminds me of Rachel from BB12, just more masculine.

With one hour to pack the houseguests (HGs) scurry to gather their most prized possessions and stuff them into one carry on. At this point we get a glimpse of each personality. Dominic is a virgin, but is willing to allow an older woman to cook and clean for him. Is this scary or what? Shelly rolls her clothes into mini baseball bats to play whack-a-mole with the other HGs and leaves a weeping 8 year old girl behind. Lawon doesn’t give a rat’s azz, he’ll play it straight or gay to get his mitts on that $500K. Keith brings his bible and his secret surefire plan, drawn out on a ratty piece of yellow pad cardboard no less. Keith’s Angels will idolize him and do his bidding.

They meet Julie Chen with the presumed understanding there are only eight competitors. How lucky is that? They enter and zip around the house to claim bedrooms when suddenly they discover there are 12 place settings and 10 beds. Dun, dun, duuuunnnn.

The group sits down in the living room and introduce themselves over champagne. Immediately the lies start flowing with the wine along with the excuses for the lies in confessional. Porsche is a student, because serving drinks might be considered too luxurious a lifestyle. Keith and his twin brother own a matchmaking company. Admitting you are a minister type might dampen your skirt chasing style. By the time they get to Cassi, she’s got Keith’s number and tells him flat out, you are not sleeping in my bed, so forget it, ya tool. By the way, she’s interning for a stylist, not a model because those types are perceived narcissistic by nature. Keith has his sights set on Kalia. He likes her puppies. They all share a toast and chatter like magpies until Julie interrupts and drops the first two bombs.

Here’s twist number one. They HGs will be paired up and they should take care to choose carefully. It’s important because not only will the winner of Head of household (HOH) be safe for the week, their partner will be safe as well. However, as HOH they will not nominate two cast members to be eliminated, they must choose a duo. The duo nominated must then campaign against their partner to stay in the house. At this point, they must choose who to align with and for some odd reason Keith picks Porsche and her doctor assisted double D’s. Speed Racer declares Mr. Suave is thinking with the wrong head. It’s not a prom date you fool. Cassi and Shelly team up. Adam asks Dominic to join up, leaving Kalia stuck with Lawon. The fake smile on her face is priceless!

At this point, I do believe a drinking game should begin. Every time we hear the word “twist,” take a sip of whatever beverage you have at the ready. We’ll either be smashed or so caffeine’d out, we’ll either pass out or won’t sleep for a fortnight.

Julie chimes in again to acknowledge the teams and drop bomb #2. She teases the HGs with the fact they are not the only pairs playing the game and wishes them good luck. Nervousness is in the infant stage and after swearing they’ll all stick together, the group wanders around the house, pretending not to care. DING DONG. In swoop Brendon and Rachel from BB12 and Rachel proclaims, “I’m back bitches!” Ok, that’s a lie, just wishful thinking. Some HGs are laughing and welcoming, but they all realize this couple is a formidable team. Kalia is anything but happy and takes the first dig at Rachel’s puppies, calling them “their own houseguests.” The couple announces they are engaged. In fact, they were engaged last February, right around Valentine’s Day. Rachel thought Brendon would propose on the hot air balloon ride, but he faked her out. When he did propose later on a San Diego beach, she truly was surprised. Well played Brendon. Such a Big Brother move.

Next to arrive are Jeff and Jordan, America’s sweethearts. They receive a groupie type welcome as the best loved BB couple from Season 11. When asked in a confessional how long they’ve been together, Jordan has trouble with her math skills, which apparently doesn’t shock Jeff. Metal Head Adam, still reeling from the Brenchel ambush is now completely unraveled, after all, Jordan won her season. Foul! No fair! Make it stop! Dream on dude. DING DONG!

Who is it? Why no other than Season 8’s winner, Evel Dick and his daughter Daniele. Season 8 was stressful for her, as she and Daddy Dearest were the final two. According to Papa, he and his darling child have not spoken for three years at this point. As Evel Dick strolls through the house, Daniele still hasn’t uttered a word. Did Evel Dick cut her tongue out? She does have some good face making skills, which make up for her lack of vocals. The love fest over and done, it’s time for the first HOH challenge.

They walk into the backyard to find a jungle motif, complete with giant hanging bananas. The duos climb aboard and must cling to their fruit as they swing through the jungle like their Darwinian counterparts. To add to their discomfort, BB diverges from the jungle theme to Baskin Robbins and adds a squirt of chocolate. Shelly lasts a good 15 seconds and is the first to slip on her banana peel. So much for workin’ like a dog. It’s all up to Cassi now. However, this is all a ploy as the two made the decision to throw the first contest as part of their strategy. Jordan follows suit. Keith, Cassi and Lawon don’t take long to join the drop-outs. When Adam hits the jungle floor he let’s out a metal head roar, not to be confused with a lion.

Jeff blows it, as does Dominic and Rachel couldn’t be happier. Then poof. There goes Brendon, followed by Kalia. With only five left, BB brings on the whipped cream. Porsche drops off, dashing the hopes of the newbies. Rachel, Evel Dick and one can assume Daniele who still remains mute make a backdoor deal. They’ll give it to Rachel and she won’t nominate them to get tossed out of the house. Evel Dick drops to the ground and finally, Danile speaks, asking Rachel to swear to keep her word. She does and before BB can begin lobbing giant maraschino cherries at their heads, the competition is over, with Rachel as the first HOH of BB 13, keeping she and her sweetie pie alive and in charge. “No one comes between me and my bananna!” she exclaims. Adam is seriously ticked off, believing the Inmate Eight are in imminent danger. Guess you should have hung on then.

‘Not so fast,’ says Julie, it’s time for the next twist. Everybody take a sip please. This season, HOH will be both a blessing and a curse. For while Rachel gets to choose the unlucky couple to be put on the block, the duo’s survivor will receive a “Big Brother Golden Key,” not to be confused with a ‘Golden Ticket.” The holder of this key will be guaranteed a spot in the final ten. In upcoming eliminations, the survivors cannot be nominated for expulsion until there are only ten players remaining. Golden Key holders will also not participate in any challenges, but will be allowed to vote. Ooooo. Is anyone feeling all goose pimpley? Talk about an added WTH feature. Immediately, the players begin to rethink their strategies. It’s less about which player you want to eliminate for the first four weeks than who you might feel safe keeping around.

And there we end. Nerves ratcheted up and all kinds of crazy about to come.

Now on to some fun aside stuff. As most fans may know, Twitter blew up during the episode airing and I could barely keep up. That said, I did snag some interesting and some very funny tweets that I’m going to share with you blog readers. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did. If you are quoted, but don’t wish to be please let me know and I’ll remove your tweet ASAP. Thanks. Here are some of my favorites from episode 1:

024Maria so happy big brother is back on. the backstabbing is going to be fierce!!

jenwpc “No” I am not watching “that” show, and “no” I am not loving every second of it.

Grange95 I’m hooked already! So many players to hate, so many weeks to savor!

michellebb10 It’s on like donkey Kong in the bb13 house

blonde_turtle Omg I just yelled at the tv already!!!

KarenySez If only those fish could talk right now. Oh, the things they’ve seen. Oh, those poor, poor fish.

dvdbmbk First thing the youth minister does in the house is lies. Nice!

RealityTVLounge I love to hate Evel Dick… I can’t even say THAT much about #Brenchal

JoshBunton Oh god. I just had an aneurysm, Rachel’s laugh has killed me. My cats are homeless now.

MamaXanax Julie, I’d like to learn more about the those monstrosities you call “sleeves” on that dress. #whatintheworld #no

FlavorsOfItaly Adam definitely has the ‘psycho, I might kill you in your sleep’ look mastered…

melgotserved Bananas with “whipped cream” shooting in her face? WHO READ RACHEL’S DREAM JOURNAL???

bbPixie: #Jeff‘s biggest worry this week is explaining to #Jordan how the Golden Key twist works.

Well folks? Got any favorites yet or opinions as to how the game twists might play out? Let us know. Just please, no spoilers. Leave that on Twitter.. Thanks much!

photo credit: CBS